A letter to my brothers and myself

**I told myself that by doing this blog I would be real with myself. Sometimes reality isn't always pretty. I found this letter, written a few months ago, to my brothers. It is proof that I can and most of the time do, come through the storm. Sometimes I even get a nice tan afterwards!**
Dear Brothers,
Greetings from Scotland! In The Middle of Nowhere, Scotland.
I'm glad to be away from the hustle and hurry of every day urban life. Living out in the country has given me a new appreciation for nature. I thought I had it before, but this really seals the deal. It's breathtaking here. And it's definitely curbed my shopping habits!
I must tell yall, I wish that my life would settle down nicely into a steady stream of contentedness. That particular dream remains elusive to me. A rather constant series of ups, mainly downs, and unfulfilled dreams. I suppose that some folk are destined to be down. However much in my life I have tried for something more, something better~ I get a taste of the sparkling sky. Only to have the night shade pulled abruptly between me and happy. After varied stops and starts over a couple of decades, I'm tired of trying. I'm destined, it seems, this go-round for mediocrity. Or at best, just the far side of happy.
The past year, in particular, has been one helluva ride that I dearly wish I hadn't purchased the tickets for. Losing faith, finding my blood, watching my Mother die, feeling business opportunites slip through my rough fingers like dry sand...and becoming acutely aware that what I have believed in for most of my life is not there. I've lost my faith, faith in anything, brothers. I don't know why I'm telling yall, or anyone, these things. You both have your lives, crazy and bursting with potential. And since I last saw either of you, we haven't exactly been in touch. We are family, but strangers. Pity that time has to be so cruel. And timing even less forgiving of heart's desires.
Days go by, a series of awakenings. Life seems to be on hold, yet perpetually swinging in round-abouts. While I like to believe in my own resiliency, it's really not there. And if it is, it's doing a fine job of hiding from me. I can't even configure a "Plan B". Ah, well.
What do you believe? Do you really make your own destiny? Or does one have to be in the right place at the right time to fulfill said destiny? I think I keep missing the bus. Perhaps standing somewhere else will do the trick. Praying has certainly failed me. Maybe prayer is just glorified meditation. And maybe I don't do enough of it.

It's true, you know. What "they" say. "Be careful what you wish for". It may not be exactly as you wished...
1. I wished for a new life in Scotland. CHECK. I didn't wish for best laid plans to be made waste and to be here while my Mother was in hospital and my Daddy needed me most.
2. I wished to find my birth mother and family. CHECK.
~I didn't wish for her to be ill and struggling; I didn't wish to love my new family so deeply only to be sundered from them by land and sea. And honestly, by walls around hearts.
3. I wished for a knight in shining armour. CHECK. My husband is my knight who continually saves me. And most often from myself. I wish I could take more responsibility for putting his armour on and stop being the damsel in distress.

There.

I love you boys. So much. And I miss you. Deeply. I want yall to know that I think happy thoughts for you both ~ nearly every day. And sometimes the memory of Ft. Sumter and your quirky smiles is the kick I need to keep going.
I'm not all gloom and storm clouds. Here's to hoping I'm in the midst of a quickly passing hurricane!
Not sure what either of you will make of this ~ rest assured you don't have to make anything of it (except for the paragraph describing that I do, indeed and in fact, love you both, little brothers).
I am here. Wherever that is. But I am patiently waiting. I think I see the sun...
Love,
Your Sister