Faith ~ Tested, Broken and Renewed*

So, I pray. And I've been blessed. I've had dreams of revelation that have forever changed my life.(That, my friends, is an entirely different note!!) I am a Child of God, claimed and loved and desired. And I've seen the Lord work in so many lives. In my own, it's been miraculous. Mind blowing, really.
So why do I lose my faith? Someone once told me that those who proclaim their faith loudest and are new in their walk with God may experience some serious trips and traps by the enemy. I thought, "Well, that's just NOT going to happen! I'm too on fire right now and I am living and breathing for Christ." I did my daily Bible study, my meditation on God's word, and tried very hard to walk my walk with the Lord. I even practised my breathing patterns on my daily runs to prayers and and proclamations of my faith!
But slowly, quietly...my faith slipped. My devotion slacked off. And I got caught right back up in this flesh, this world and away from the calling of God's voice to my heart. Oh I kept praying...when it was convenient for me.
I prayed for things I thought my family needed, things I thought I needed. I even prayed when my Mother was dying in Montgomery County Hospital. I kneeled in the chapel in ICU, and dropped everything I had at the foot of the Cross. I begged forgiveness for any wrongs done by me against my Momma. I prayed God would ease her heart and she would know no more pain and suffering. I prayed that any grace or blessings God had in store for me, that He would pass them to my Momma and Daddy. I begged Him, and gave up to Him, truly as I had never done before. I was away from her bed for less than 5 minutes.When I walked back to her room, she had passed. She died while I prayed. And I will never forget the absolute shock and anger I had. I even screamed out "I JUST PRAYED! THIS IS WRONG!!!!!". And it's taken me until recently to understand that God answered my prayer.
But you see, I missed it. I missed that message. And in my grief, I slid away from the Lord. When I should have been clinging hardest, I let go. And among other things, dreams that my husband and I saw nearly realized...were burst.
And I slid. So far as to begin to question God's existence. "Wouldn't it make more sense and be easier if I only had to answer to my fellow man and myself for my actions?" How can a benevolent God let us slip so far into despair? Well, He doesn't let us. Our free will is what trips us up. I turned away from Jesus and the salvation that the Cross has bestowed on each of us. I ran, because that's what I do when I'm afraid.
Being faithful isn't easy for me. It never has been and I really struggle every single day to make it fit in my mind and in my heart. But I know that the times in my life that I've stood closest to the Lord are the best times in my life. I don't mean easiest and most trouble free. No, I said best. And I have to remember that.
I am a shining light.
I am reclaiming my faith.
I am a Child of the Lord.
I am a princess of the King.
As each of us are sons and daughters of Christ,
I believe. I believe. I BELIEVE!
I've got a long way to go in understanding faith and salvation, but I can't give up. One must keep moving forward.
And its because of His promise for a blessed life for us that I am here typing this. I don't know what anyone reading this will think. I hope it moves someone. But I posted this because I am called to do so. What a gift, to get to know the Lord. Again and again.
Thank you God. For everything. For all that I have, and thank you even more so for all that I DON'T have.


*(This was previously posted on my facebook.com account on April 16, 2009)